Latest Riddles, Puns, and Pun Stories

Latest Riddles & Puns


What would you call a poorly drawn oil painting with yellows predominating?
Mediochre!

What did the prospector say when he staked his claim?
"It's gold, mine!"

What would you call a relaxation contest?
A calmpetition!

Why did the organizers of a sheep race have trouble determining the length for it?
They just couldn't find the right par ram meters!

What did Merrill the Peril's mother say when her child proclaimed, "I'm gonna bite Bambi!"
"Don't chew deer!"

What would you call a lexicon with no advice about how to actually use the words?
A diction nary!

Why did Luke Skywalker rename his mentor when he stepped on a skunk?
He de-Yoda-rized him!

What kind of music do the best baseball hitters listen to?
Swing!

What would you call pastry made with a hammer?
Pound cake!

What would it mean if you sit down to eat and you get nasty remarks from your furniture?
You have an irri-table!

What would you call a bird that served in the army?
A vetowren!

Which philosopher never went barefoot?
Sockrates!

Why won't the army serve a second helping of ice cream?
That would be re-treating!

Why do things look so glum for farmers with bumper crops of legumes?
Because that makes them has beans!

What would you call a guide for teaching grade school kids how to subtract?
A lessen plan!

What illness do you get from making too many wordplays?
Pun creatitis!

People who want to cut back school budgets won't take "know" for an answer!

Did you know that a huge meteorite hit the Southwest?
That's why there's a Denton Texas!

Once upon a time, ants could talk. They traveled far and wide, talking up a storm. In fact, they originated all the roam ants languages. But their discourses ended with the birth of a bunch of mute ants. Now the mute ants have taken over, and don't even remember their ant-ecedents!

After a total eclipse in the year 5531 BC, it was established that the sun is, beyond a doubt, female. As the eclipse ended, everyone yelled, "Her ray!"

People don't like dogs born hairless. Dogs born with a full coat are prefurred!

Abner Kaulkstein robbed a bank, and made his getaway in a stolen Bugatti. The cops put down spike strips to try to stop him, but Abner drove around them. When he was finally caught, they charged him with tacks evasion!

The moron was really upset when the cruise boat orchestra came on stage. He thought it meant a band on ship!

If you stop thinking, you'll make a lot of judgment errors, and it could get very ex-pensive!

 

Latest Pun Stories


He's No Poodull


Some people make their dogs pay for food. I don't believe dogs are personally responsible. If you charge a dog an arm and a leg for a 2 bowls of food, it'll be a paw per! Before my puppy Rex eats dinner, I always tell him, "Bone appetit!"

I have a hard time getting Rex to wear his choker, so I feed him collared greens! It's the leashed difficult solution!

Rex loves fruit, especially pup-paya! And he loves an after-dinner puppermint! Sometimes I give him special foods to motivate him. I taught him to perch on a chair and balance a ball on his nose by feeding him sit trick acid!

When Rex had fleas, I picked them off by hand -- not an easy task. You know fleas are fur-tive! Sometimes I feel like his pawsonal assistant! I even have to remind him to keep cool in the summer by wearing his shorts. Otherwise he's always in pants!

Rex is close friends with a young dog next door. Every day, they both do their business, and then spend many happy minutes smelling each other's urine. It's real pup pee love!

The amazing thing is that Rex talks -- but he tells lies. What do you expect -- he's a bull dog! But he loves Microsoft Word files, so he acts like a docs hund!

Rex is a deep thinker. He told me that the opera Madama Butterfly was really composed by a dog named Giacomo Poochini!

When I took him on a cruise, his favorite part was em-bark-ation! There was a big dog with a cask on board. "That guy's master must be an arsonist," Rex said. "That's a St. Burnhard dog!"

But he also has his fears. When we watched a 50s TV show starring a dog, I said she must be very old now. "Don't let that happen to me," Rex said. "Don't let Lassietude set in!"

Even though he can talk, Rex isn't very good at math. One day, I asked, "Rex, how many legs do you have?" "Four paws," he said. "Just forepaws?" I asked. "But what about the back ones?"


 

She Had a Pre-Manition This Would Happen!


Ella Martinez was madly in love with her boyfriend Edward Etienne. She had pictures of him in her silver locket, on the cover of her notebook, on her desk, and on her dresser.

When they weren't together, she wrote poetry about him, and baked him cupcakes. She just knew she'd die if they ever broke up. So she always made sure to tell him, "Eddie, I can't live without you!" Eddie would just smile and not say a word.

But then one day her history teacher asked her to run an errand for him during third period. Ella walked through the hallway and down the stairs, and there, on the landing, was her Eddie, kissing Amanda Auerbach. Ella was right about what would happen. On the spot, she dropped Ed!

Grape Expectations


Joe the Grape lived a long and sinful life. He drank, gambled, used drugs, killed a whole bunch of other Grapes, lied, cheated, and was in and out of jail.

The Grape sheriff finally shot and killed Joe during a bank robbery. When Joe woke up in a huge room filled with flames, a tall Grape with a pointed tail and a pitchfork came over to him.

"What happened? Where am I?" Joe the Grape asked.

"Don't worry, replied the tall Grape. You'll be involved in raisin' hell for eternity!

American Drivers Are Not Well-Trained

Once upon a time, every American city had trolleys. But the oil, rubber, and automobile corporations hatched a plot to destroy America's streetcar lines, and they got away with it because they covered their tracks!

When they burned down the trolley buildings, it polluted the air with a lot of carbarn dioxide! So now we have buses, which have more accidents from distrackded driving! Don't ride them through the mountains except during rush hour. You don't want an off-peak bus!

People don't like buses, because they're never sure when they might be detoured and where they have to get on. Some folks jump on the roof because they think that's where the bus top is!

Bus drivers are notoriously out of shape. In the old days, trolley car drivers got lots of exercise. They ran track! But the buses didn't run as often as the streetcars did, so a lot of people gained wait!

Now, Americans are up-to-date, and we take responsibility for our own transportation. We've become a real carnation!

Even I finally bought my own car. On my first road trip, the gas pedal got stuck. I swerved to avoid a beaver, and hit the guardrail, which caused a bad road-dent! I felt the problem was caused by flaw mats, but the car-maker denied it because they didn't understand the relationship between cause and defect!

I took my car to an auto body repairman, who made a lot of caustic jokes because of a more dent sense of humor! Disgusted, I drove to the dent-ist, who went next door to a deli, and bought some slices of car-patch-io to fix the fender!

When I needed new tires, a young lady at the service station looked over my car. She was shy and retiring! I pointed to my worn treads and asked, "Can you put a new outside on these?" But I got no re-ply!

My car is really smart, with all those computers built in. So it decided to write an auto biography! And it even tells me how to avoid hazardous roads with detailed dire wreck shuns! I like that. I'm less likely to have an accident and an angry faultercation!

But without trolleys, there's too much traffic, and to change direction, you have to go from here to u-turnity. All those cars going, day and night, and you can't turn off the roads to stop the noise.

And if you want to walk anywhere, crossing the street means you must have an auto-immune condition.

Truth is, I really miss those streetcars. Losing them was tramatic!


Based on HomesPun Humor by David R. Yale
© 2013 by A Healthy Relationship Press, LLC



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*All the puns in HomesPun Humor and Pun Enchanted Evenings are Yale originals, with the exception of the Guest Showcases in HomesPun Humor. Or at least I think they are! Great minds think alike, and especially in these days of the great punning revival, it's possible someone else has come up with a few of these wordplays, too.