Latest Riddles, Puns, and Pun Stories
Latest Riddles & Puns
What would you call a poorly drawn oil painting with yellows predominating?
What did the prospector say when he staked his claim?
"It's gold, mine!"
What would you call a relaxation contest?
Why did the organizers of a sheep race have trouble determining the length for it?
They just couldn't find the right par ram meters!
What did Merrill the Peril's mother say when her child proclaimed, "I'm gonna bite Bambi!"
"Don't chew deer!"
What would you call a lexicon with no advice about how to actually use the words?
A diction nary!
Why did Luke Skywalker rename his mentor when he stepped on a skunk?
He de-Yoda-rized him!
What kind of music do the best baseball hitters listen to?
What would you call pastry made with a hammer?
What would it mean if you sit down to eat and you get nasty remarks from your furniture?
You have an irri-table!
What would you call a bird that served in the army?
Which philosopher never went barefoot?
Why won't the army serve a second helping of ice cream?
That would be re-treating!
Why do things look so glum for farmers with bumper crops of legumes?
Because that makes them has beans!
What would you call a guide for teaching grade school kids how to subtract?
A lessen plan!
What illness do you get from making too many wordplays?
People who want to cut back school budgets won't take "know" for an answer!
Did you know that a huge meteorite hit the Southwest?
That's why there's a Denton Texas!
Once upon a time, ants could talk. They traveled far and wide, talking up a storm. In fact, they originated all the roam ants languages. But their discourses ended with the birth of a bunch of mute ants. Now the mute ants have taken over, and don't even remember their ant-ecedents!
After a total eclipse in the year 5531 BC, it was established that the sun is, beyond a doubt, female. As the eclipse ended, everyone yelled, "Her ray!"
People don't like dogs born hairless. Dogs born with a full coat are prefurred!
Abner Kaulkstein robbed a bank, and made his getaway in a stolen Bugatti. The cops put down spike strips to try to stop him, but Abner drove around them. When he was finally caught, they charged him with tacks evasion!
The moron was really upset when the cruise boat orchestra came on stage. He thought it meant a band on ship!
If you stop thinking, you'll make a lot of judgment errors, and it could get very ex-pensive!
Latest Pun Stories
Some people make their dogs pay for food. I don't believe dogs are personally responsible. If you charge a dog an arm and a leg for a 2 bowls of food, it'll be a paw per! Before my puppy Rex eats dinner, I always tell him, "Bone appetit!"
I have a hard time getting Rex to wear his choker, so I feed him collared greens! It's the leashed difficult solution!
Rex loves fruit, especially pup-paya! And he loves an after-dinner puppermint! Sometimes I give him special foods to motivate him. I taught him to perch on a chair and balance a ball on his nose by feeding him sit trick acid!
When Rex had fleas, I picked them off by hand -- not an easy task. You know fleas are fur-tive! Sometimes I feel like his pawsonal assistant! I even have to remind him to keep cool in the summer by wearing his shorts. Otherwise he's always in pants!
Rex is close friends with a young dog next door. Every day, they both do their business, and then spend many happy minutes smelling each other's urine. It's real pup pee love!
The amazing thing is that Rex talks -- but he tells lies. What do you expect -- he's a bull dog! But he loves Microsoft Word files, so he acts like a docs hund!
Rex is a deep thinker. He told me that the opera Madama Butterfly was really composed by a dog named Giacomo Poochini!
When I took him on a cruise, his favorite part was em-bark-ation! There was a big dog with a cask on board. "That guy's master must be an arsonist," Rex said. "That's a St. Burnhard dog!"
But he also has his fears. When we watched a 50s TV show starring a dog, I said she must be very old now. "Don't let that happen to me," Rex said. "Don't let Lassietude set in!"
Even though he can talk, Rex isn't very good at math. One day, I asked, "Rex, how many legs do you have?" "Four paws," he said. "Just forepaws?" I asked. "But what about the back ones?"
Joe the Grape lived a long and sinful life. He drank, gambled, used drugs, killed a whole bunch of other Grapes, lied, cheated, and was in and out of jail.
The Grape sheriff finally shot and killed Joe during a bank robbery. When Joe woke up in a huge room filled with flames, a tall Grape with a pointed tail and a pitchfork came over to him.
"What happened? Where am I?" Joe the Grape asked.
"Don't worry, replied the tall Grape. You'll be involved in raisin' hell for eternity!
Once upon a time, every American city had trolleys. But the oil, rubber, and automobile corporations hatched a plot to destroy America's streetcar lines, and they got away with it because they covered their tracks!
*All the puns in HomesPun Humor and Pun Enchanted Evenings are Yale originals, with the exception of the Guest Showcases in HomesPun Humor. Or at least I think they are! Great minds think alike, and especially in these days of the great punning revival, it's possible someone else has come up with a few of these wordplays, too.